The Break Up Diet

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People keep telling me how great I look. Which is surprising because in the last three months I’ve probably felt the most emotionally bruised and broken as I have in my whole life.

It seems that what’s happening on the outside after a break-up doesn’t match the silent awfulness that rages on the inside.

I’d spent the last 18 months whinging about the 8 or 9 kilos that had slowly crept under my skin. Now within 3 months of a pretty abrupt break-up I’m edging close to my ideal weight again.

Last year was filled with complaints about wanting to lose weight, have more time to exercise and feel more energetic. So even though I’ve wallowed in sadness, I realise that the break up has been the kick up the arse that I needed to start feeling the intense drive and motivation in corners of my life that never quite hit the top of the priority list.

Sometimes relationships, even the most loving ones, can trap us into patterns that don’t suit or serve us. It’s really easy not to engage in real change when you take refuge in the fact that you’re loved.

Most women want to lose a bit (or a lot) of weight, and there’s no better time to embark on a weight-loss adventure than in the months following a break up.

So here’s my formula for getting back a bit of yourself back, reclaiming the freedom of singledom and (at least from the exterior) looking fucking fabulous.

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Step one is the process of amputating your heart. Imagine it’s the scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where he reaches in a pulls the dudes heart out. For more information on how to rip out your heart: Read this. You probably already feel like that has happened to you. Good. There is a good kilo and a bit gone already.

Next, put your heart into a blender. Press ‘pulse’. Freeze your pureed heart and use it to make protein shakes. Drink the shakes every day at the time that he would normally routinely call you. Any good diet will tell you protein is your new best friend. Eating your heart is good for you, just like eating placenta. Eat your heart out! Replacing a snack a day with heart/protein shakes knocks out another few kilos within a few months.

Then, consider laying off the grog. It’s simple- alcohol is a depressant, and you’re probably already feeling down enough already, right? Getting boozed can release tsunamis of howl which lurk under the skin and transforms a logical and rational human into a desperate and fanatical martyr for love.

While drowning your sorrows in the bottom of a case of shiraz can be cathartic in releasing the grief and hurt, a little alcohol detox can create a shitload of clarity around life, which in turn will kick off a new level of understanding, insight and motivation around who you really want to be. And, who you really want to be with.

My naturopath told me to consider that every glass of red wine is about a 20-minute power walk worth of kilojoules. So when I realised that a night of drinking could equate to needing to spend a whole day walking the booze (and the hangover) off I realised that I’d be just as happy sans vino and/or G&Ts. Try a month without booze and voila! Au revoir another 3- 4 kilos. And bon jour to a fatter wallet.

Next, there is the time factor. When you find yourself suddenly single a good chunk of your week is suddenly free. A vortex of time magically opens up in the absence of your partner. You don’t have to meet other couples for brunch on Sunday or go out to his mates’ birthday drinks on Saturday night, there are no long wasted hours in bed spooning, or sexing.

It’s ALL you time. That means a bunch of things on your “to do” list get done. And getting shit done, means you are moving. Moving means you’re burning calories and burning calories makes you feel better. Slowly.

You’ll end up finally catching up with the friends (and exes) with whom your friendships have stalled and you’ll drink lots of coffee. Coffee drinking is also useful. It suppresses your appetite, which has most likely already been squished into non-existence.

There is also the ‘walk and talk’ catch up option. Try the Bronte to Bondi or the Bay Walk. Being out in the fresh air and getting your heart pumping is wonderous for healing, as is the process of yakking to your mates. Get yourself moving every few days for a good hour or so- and say farewell to another few kilos.

Another option for those of you who are brave enough- rebound sex. Thinking of it like jumping on a trampoline. A very sweaty trampoline. The best way to get over someone (people keep telling me) is to get on top of someone else (or under them, you choose).

Lastly, LET IT GO. Really and truly- let it all go, the weight, the relationship, the pain, the sadness and the man. When you chose to let it go you are not being defeated. Losing weight isn’t really the answer- losing something isn’t intentional and the weight surely will know how to find your arse.

The answer is in visualising purposefully letting go of all the patterns (thinking, eating, loving) that don’t suit or serve you. Try meditation tracks like Body Transformation- Inside Out by Tricia Brennan or this free download from Paul McKenna who reckons he can make you thin.

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